that's not funny at all

1st semester sophomore year was great. Barely updated this blog only because I was busier than I think I've ever been in my life. I was balancing three jobs or so, USC concert choir which I got into this year, a community service sisterhood I joined called the Helenes which I absolutely love, all on top of 18 units. Once Orientation Advisor duties minimized, I started working for USC's office for parents program planning parents weekend. So that was 10 hours a week. And then I got a job working for USC protocol and events, hosting swanky parties for Deans and football tailgates and what not. And an odd job every so often. So I wasn't getting much sleep, but things have definitely slowed down over the past month. I just finished finals last Thursday and they went pretty well. I feel like I really developed my "freindship circle" this semester, and for once in my life, I have a great group of friends, not just a bunch of different friends that don't know eachother. Which makes things really fun. I'd say the highlight of the semester was my birthday, we threw an awesome party at the house which was loads of fun. AND I FOUND OUT LAST WEEK that the drivers license issue was solved, on a technicality! My lawyer pulled it together so I get to keep my license. My parents are pretty stoked, and I guess it was worth all the money. The most important highlight however, was singing with the concert choir and performing Bach's Mass in B Minor with the orchestra and the chamber singers. Most exhilarating experience ever. Nearly 300 pages of music, and an entire semester dedicating to learning it. That performance was one of the highlights of my life. I've been thinking seriosuly about going abroad. Either to London or Madrid. I was going to go this upcoming fall but now I'm thinking next spring, in a year. I know that if I don't go I'll regret it. One of my favorite things about this semester was constantly seeing students around campus that I helped at orientation. Even today someone I don't remember at all (I kind of recognized his face) was working at the bookstore, and he said hey alex how have you been? I like to think that I made enough of an impact on most of the students for them to remember me. In terms of excitement, this semester has been full of it. The bittersweet changes I predicted that would take place this semester did take place, but after experiencing them I have decided that they are changes for the better. Its definitely a change living off campus, but the bike ride every morning always wakes me up.

i'm pretty dramatic. everything's alright for the most part. as if you weren't already doing so, disregard anything i have to say. i'm also currently working on a book of cliches, so i'll let you all know how that's going as it progresses. turns out they're my strong suit.

my god, if i had a nickel. i should delete this thing but i know i never could. i'll still be posting on livejournal when i'm 50 and it'll still be a wrench in the gears of my relationships, by my own hand of course.

it's hard being such an idiot. maybe we aren't meant to express every emotion, every delusion to the world. it got mapplethorpe's funding cut and it makes tipper gore crazy. besides, i'm no rimbaud, have i any right to feed you all my thoughts and feelings? it's just that sometimes the best way for me to overcome a fear is to embrace it, isn't it? that's what the buddhists will tell you, and they're wise folk.

so let me just say it, announce it. in reference to my last post and the post before:
i am in love. i've never been in love before. when giselle and i had our thing it was immediate and fleeting and it wasn't love, it was simply infatuation. the same applies to all my past relationships with the opposite of sex. this is what it feels like, apparently, and by george i suppose it's real. a real emotion, but not an emotion. calling being in love an emotion is like calling the grateful dead or crass a band. they aren't. they are entities with entire universes of thought, art, and being that are both connected to and separate from all other things that exist. it isn't a myth. it's tangible as a rock.

and now she's telling me it's being ruined, it's plummeting, because of trust and because of a turbulent past. i wish there was some way for me to explain to her. i wish i could write the most beautiful song or the most mind blowing novel for her to show her just how much i care, but it seems as if i can't right now. all i can do is repeat myself, over and over, and remind her without sounding too weak or unattractive that she's one of the best things that's ever happened to me and perhaps the most illuminating thing in my life right now. but she's in la and i'm in palm desert. i'm going to go drinking at steve's and i'll probably say more stupid shit and wake my mom up again late to panic and seek guidance in adages and friendly suggestions. hell, i don't want to go out, i want to stay home and keep writing forever, but i know that won't help me step away and observe it with a nonbiased perception.

either way i'm in love, and you lj fans ought to know right now that when i demand something i will chisel away at it till it's either an awful lump of clay or the statue of david. feast or famine are the only ways of living i know, and obviously it's never a dull moment.

so whoever is filling her in on what i'm saying, just tell her this: in my heart of sunburnt hearts i feel a weight deep that encompasses every experience i've accumulated up to this moment and despite every apprehension, i taste victory in the air for us. i don't use words lightly, and i don't feel empty feelings. i will overcome this hurdle and we will be together. also it is worth mentioning that you've cured my writers block in a big way, my sweet.

in reference to my last post regarding my feeling like i'm in love. either way, i'm destined to fail. i'm unfit for healthy human relationships and there's something like a 45% chance she's sleeping around on me, so don't get too giddy internet friends. apparently old dogs and new tricks don't go together so well.

also, i think i might be in love. which is really weird. i don't know. those are strong words, but i swear it.

school shmoool!

too excited for tonight. everybody come on out and have a good old time. everybody take lsd and we'll do it old fashioned.

the only sounds are banging trash cans and the whir of the heat fan. everybody's gone and i'm home alone stoned in bed, looking at the internet and all of my ties weakening, and i cant help but feel easy in my social isolation.

i keep having dreams about knockin' creeps out with my u-lock on my bike, and then i day dream about riding bikes around in post-apocalyptic america, knockin' creeps out.